User blog:KingOfKretaceous/Kaiju Reviews: Episode 4
=DISCLAIMER: If this is your kaiju, and you get offended by me saying bad stuff about it, I'm sorry. Just go on my message wall and scream at me, although I'll probably ignore you, because I most likely have better things to do.= =SECOND DISCLAIMER: This series heavily relies on my own likes and dislikes, so if you disagree with me, that's perfectly fine, because I might be a little biased while reviewing some kaiju.= Welcome back to Kaiju Reviews. Today, I decided that I might as well do a triple kill, due to how long I've put this on hold while doing absolutely nothing. We're gonna start off reviewing a story, that being Terror of Archon. After, I'm going to review the titular kaiju in that story, Archon and Cetus. Anyways, let's just do the thing that I always do. Terror of Archon First Impression "Terror of Archon is the sequel to Archon." It doesn't say much, but it displays to the reader what it needs to. Kingo sticker of approval?? Story Once upon a time, in the magical land of the United States of America, some kid named Archon attacked them. But the Americans are the smartester and killed Archon. Anyways, 13 years have passed since Archon first assaulted America, and they're chillin' out, maxin', relaxin' all cool & shooting some b-ball outside of the school. During this time period of no giant creatures trying to murder the Americans, there's some plebbian reporter named Sally Stevens reporting on some guy and asking about him about some movie he's in. Suddenly, she's sent to report some footage on some footage of islands near Turkey. It showed Archon fighting another creature! But wasn't Archon DEAD?!?! Of course not. If he was, why would there be a sequel in the first place? Afterwards, some scientist named Dr. Stevens named the creature Cetus, due to it resembling whales and the mythical creature of the same name. In some ways it does, but I'll get back to that later. Anyways, there's some exposition that no one gives two hoots about, but I'll touch upon it anyways. The reporter goes out with her boyfriend as the footage is released. Now everyone's been spooked by Archon's resurfacing, and Cetus' arrival (he looks scary as shit too). The military determines the point that Archon and Cetus will meet at is Seattle, so they set up camp there and begin watching. Cetus is the first to poof into Seattle, as the military carries out its assault on the kaiju. Very much and suprisingly so, it has no effect on Cetus, who proceeds to just wreck the fleet. They anger the kaiju by trying to slow him down, causing him to destroy nearby buildings. Anger issues much? The survivors of the sinking ships were screaming wrecks? Whatever that means, I guess. They were "screaming wrecks" as Archon blazes past them at supersanic speeds, sweeping them away and drowning them. Archon arrives at Seattle and begins fighting his first opponent in the series. I'd say all the moves in order, but I'm a lazy boi. That reporter pleb is stuck in the city watching the kaiju fight when a gust of wind blew her into some rubble, "empaling" her in the side and trapping one of her legs under a piece of rubble. She calls out for aid, "but the a chunk of rubble flew into her head, knocking her unconscious". I'm now imagining the two kaiju just stopping the fight as one of them throws a rock at her to make her shut up and then just resuming. Anyways, a helicopter appears and helps her get out of there. Anyways, Cetus gets blasted by Archon with his heat breath, which causes his scales to melt. After, he's just tossed into the ocean by Archon, and then he sinks to the abyss. That'd be a pretty hard throw from inland. Cetus is probably pretty heavy, and it'd probably be a few hundred feet before you could consider the ocean floor an abyss, but whatever. The reporter wakes up in a "hapital bed when she was awone", and the doctor says that she somehow didn't suffer from a concussion. I've got a few problems with this part. #If she was "awone" which I think is supposed to be alone, then how did the doctor tell her she didn't have a concussion? Maybe it was through a device or something, but that seems unnecessary, and it's not mentioned, either. #If the blow was enough to knock her out, I think it would've caused a concussion, too, but I'm not sure. #Why didn't the doctor mention anything about her being impaled in the side? Wouldn't that be life-threatening and something you should know about? Conclusion Besides the last part, the rest of the story is pretty good. I find the parts with the reporter kind of boring, but that's probably just me. She doesn't seem to have that big of a role in the story, either. Anyways, I'll give this story a solid 8/10. It's got some flaws & typos here and there, but it's well written besides that. Archon Next up, we've got Lord Lungfish (and one of the reasons I'm on this wiki), Archon! First Impression "Archon (Japanese translation: Arukon) is a Kaiju from the Archon ''film series." Gets across what it needs to, so good job. You know, this "First Impression" section has almost no point. It's either just "it tells you what it needs to" or "it doesn't say anything >:((". Anyways... History Uggg fine Archon underwent macroevolution when an undiscovered species of saltwater lungfish was irradiated by nuclear bomb testings in Bikini..? Boom wow explosions everywhere mutating all the creatures!! (I'm in no place to talk here seeing that Sharkosuchus was made by an explosion, too.) 30 years later, a tanker carrying a lot of nuclear weapons vanishes off the coast of Seattle. As the American government does all the time, they cover up the occurance to prevent panic. They sent a CIA team to salvage the weapons, only for them to find that there was no radiation inside them. Later, a pod of 20 dead & burnt dolphins washed up on a salt lake connected to a channel. Archon burst from the water and went "rawr xd", resulting in lots of people being spooked. The military decided not to attack him, due to his non-threat to the public. Despite that, there was still nation-wide panic. Some more nuclear weapons are delivered to San Francisco, but Archon rises from the water and searches for them, destroying the city while doing so. He eats the weapons and continues demolishing buildings as the military attacks, although it has no effect. He has completely wrecked the city by the time the sun rises. A team is dispatched to kill off Archon, seeing that he is a threat to mankind's survival. They used a drug that results in the swelling of tissues to kill Archon by injecting it into his lungs, which was supposed to suffocate him. It was lightly sleeping, so it woke up upon being jabbed and was instantly in lots of pain. And we all know how that plan turned out... Anyways, I basically summed up the movie "Archon" in that, so I'll give a rating on the plot, not the character. I'll say a 7/10. It's not bad, but it's not as interesting as the 2nd story of Archon. The start also feels a tad bit cliche, but I'm guilty of that, too. Anyways, onwards with Archon. Description The kaiju overall looks pretty good, although I'd have difficulty describing it if I tried. I'll quote the page because it does better than I could. "Archon has white skin, and yellow eyes. He has grey skin in ''Archon: Reappearance, as well as blue eyes. He has a crest on his head, used for slashing his opponents, as well as a long, spiked tail. He has webbed fingers, and clawed feet, that have fins on them. Archon also has a slender build, and he is longer than he is tall." Anyways, goodest design, 11/10, would appreciate again. Abilities Archon has an acceptable range of abilities, unlike the last kaiju I reviewed. Archon can swim at 43 knots, can blast a heat breath which is 600 degrees Kelvin, has physical resilience and a level of intelligence, and has an attack called the "Judgement Blast". Like my Sharkosuchus' self-destruct move, it is a last resort attack. It is a blade-shaped plasma blast that is fired from the crest adorned on his head. In the Reappearance series, he gains an energized tail blast and a plasma breath. As I said, it's an acceptable range of feats. Conclusion Archon gets a very fine 8/10 from me. I like mostly everything about this kaiju. I don't like the backstory as much as everything else, but I still find it alright. Anyways, let's move on to the final kaiju, also known as Archon's first opponent. Cetus First Impression "Cetus (Japanese Translation: Setasu) is the first Kaiju that Archon fought." Gets across what it needs to, blah blah blah. Who cares anymore. Let's keep going. History It's basically the entire story of Terror of Archon, so you know my thoughts and opinions. Description To quote the page again, due to my lack of words to describe the design, "Cetus resembles the mythical creature, but has legs And arms. He is Chocolate- brown in color, and has a tanish head, along with his legs, arms, and underbelly. Cetus has a bulky form, with a long tail with a fluke at the end of it. He has fins and spines on his back, as well as needle sharp teeth. And his legs have fins on them." However, there is one thing I would like to touch upon, and that is his face. OhmyfuckinggoddoesCetus'facelookhorrible. It looks like something he sustained from a cartoon, you know, how someone's body will get warped when they sustain an injury. It also looks like someone just slam dunked a god damn bowling ball on his head one day. Anyways, when I said I'd get back to it all the way back in Terror of Archon's review, I wasn't lying. I really don't think Cetus resembles a whale, but I can see where he resembles the mythical creature Cetus. His head does not look like anything this world has ever created, but the rest of his body kind of shows some of the sea serpent legend in it. I appreciate how the drawing shows some of the individual scales, along with some quills and a few fins. It does remind me of the legendary snakes that allegedly roamed the seas. TL;DR Cetus' design is good besides the face, which will haunt me for years to come. Abilities Cetus really doesn't have much going for him in terms of abilities. He's physically resilient, and has excellent melee skills and considerable physical strength. I guess Hybrehemoth didn't have many ranged attacks either, but this really only has 3 things going for it. Anyways, I need to finish up this review before all of my sanity is gone. Conclusion Cetus gets a 6/10. It's kind of meh to me, as he doesn't have a great set of abilities, and has a really horrible face. The rest of his body's design and backstory are pretty good, though. Anyways, I need to take some time before doing my next review. I think I'm gonna cherrypick a very bland and forgettable kaiju next time, and then go back to the Random page button of fortune. Anyways, see ya in the next review... ...ack this took forever to make... Category:Blog posts Category:KingOfKretaceous' Kaiju Reviews